


turn back time

by starrydistricts



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bittersweet Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Time Travel, im sorry i did this to you guys and to myself oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 09:25:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15946481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrydistricts/pseuds/starrydistricts
Summary: jaemin makes a wish upon a star.





	turn back time

**Author's Note:**

> there's mention of character death but in the end everyone's alive so please don't get scared by that! heart heart.

it’s always just been the two of them.

 

if you didn’t know any better, you’d think jaemin and jeno were fraternal twins; they’d even won the “attached at the hip” spot on their fifth-grade yearbook. they’d met at the age of two, though neither of them can recall it. jeno’s family had just moved in next door and jaemin’s mom decided it would be a good idea to invite them over for dinner. at one point, their parents were gathered around the dining table, getting ready to dig in, when jeno grabbed a fork from the kitchen table and jabbed jaemin’s cheek with it, sloppily. though it had caused a panic amongst the adults, jeno was laughing with joy and jaemin didn’t shed a tear, despite having blood drip from his cheek.

 

jaemin, who now has a collection of coral tresses atop his head, proudly wears the tiny scar just a few centimeters below the corner of his right eye. jeno, donning silver locks, has a fresh scab on his knee from jaemin accidentally pushing him during track and field practice. although about 16 years late, jaemin had gotten his revenge, even if it had been unintentional. 

 

“does it still sting?” jaemin asks, eyeing the bandage plastered on jeno’s skin, guilt quick to brew within his stomach. with a mouthful of his subway sandwich, jeno shakes his head and responds, “don’t worry about it, dude. i’m fine!” to this, jaemin exhales a relieved sigh.

 

they’re currently resting under the shade of the tulip tree decorating the plain field of grass in their neighborhood park. it’s quarter to eight and they’re sitting face to face with their fingers curled around their sandwiches, taking large bites. jeno, absorbed in the action of devouring his meal, doesn’t lift his gaze from it; jaemin, on the other hand, chews his mouthful whilst fighting the urge to fix his bestfriend’s fringe. the wind had swept it so that jeno’s bangs were nearly poking his eye and although he didn’t seem to mind, the idea of jeno getting hurt made jaemin very uncomfortable. he doesn’t rearrange it, however, knowing that jeno would look up at him with a genuine smile and a look of appreciation, saying  _ ‘thank you’ _ in that gentle voice of his and that he, jaemin, would be too flustered to respond and give his secret away on the spot.

 

“it’s getting late,” jeno begins, wiping the edges of his mouth with his napkin and then crumpling it up along with the wrap that his sandwich had come in, keeping the merged ball of trash in his right palm. “we should head home, your mom’s gonna kill us.”

 

reluctantly, jaemin tosses the last bit of his own subway into his mouth, nodding twice and cleaning up the mess around his tiers before rising to his feet. keeping his own trash in one hand, he extends his unimpeded one to jeno so that he can help the boy rise to his feet. jeno accepts the help, fitting his palm into jaemin’s, and gets onto his two feet as well before stretching his arms above his head.

 

“let’s go through the soccer field, it’s shorter,” jaemin suggests and jeno shakes his head. “are you kidding? and get trampled on by the people playing there? no way.” 

 

jaemin, once again, places his hand between them, forming a fist with it. “rock, paper, scissors?”

 

“you’re so on, na jaemin.”

 

jeno wins; jaemin never expects jeno to throw out a rock on the first round and lets his peace sign fall.

 

the autumn breeze causes goosebumps to arise on jaemin’s skin, but in an effort to look ‘cool’, he tries his best not to show it. jeno catches on pretty quickly; it’s hard to hide something from someone who knows you better than he knows himself. “do you want my jacket?”

 

jeno’s jacket fits jaemin perfectly, they’re around the same height after all. their upper torsos are almost identical, save for the fact that jeno actually worked out in the gym whilst jaemin called his dance class enough exercise, resulting in jeno having more muscle and more defined abs. jaemin would be jealous, but he’s too busy finding those aspects attractive.

 

amid their elongated walk home on the path right next to the soccer field, jaemin fails to warn jeno of the figure racing towards them. though he can see the blurred physique in his peripheral vision, he’s too busy focusing on jeno’s side profile to fully acknowledge it. when the impact happens, jeno falls forwards and jaemin, attempting to catch jeno with an arm jutting out in front of the boy’s torso, gets dragged down with him. a skateboard flips onto its side between them and jeno’s the first to get himself up. jaemin nearly sighs from the loss of jeno’s clothed abs pressed against his forearm.

 

“it’s okay,” he hears jeno say to cut off the stranger that’s frantically apologizing to both of them. jaemin finally turns so that he can glance up and put a face to what had caused their fall. his gaze lands on a brunette boy, about half a head shorter than jeno, who is in a hoodie way too big for him. 

 

getting up onto his feet, jaemin tries to formulate a sentence to comfort the boy as well; however, it seems like his word isn’t needed. “would you like to hang out with us for a bit?”

  
  


it becomes the three of them.

 

they parted ways at half past nine that night. jeno, who usually wanted to avoid getting in trouble, told jaemin to head home first; jeno arrived at nearly eleven, explaining that walking renjun home took longer than he’d expected because the boy wanted to get some mcdonalds.

 

“the one on 43rd?”

“yeah, that one!”

“didn’t you want to avoid that place? because of donghyuck?”

“when did i say that?”

“when i asked to go after wednesday’s track meet.”

 

for the past three weeks, renjun had attended all of their track meets upon jeno’s request and even came over to play video games with them, despite having never played before. jaemin likes renjun, who has been nothing but kind-hearted; however, he can’t help but dread his presence.

 

everytime renjun’s in the picture, jeno stands further away from him.

 

“we’re like your body guards, renjun.”

“you aren’t even that tall, jeno!”

 

jeno pairs up with him for all the games they play.

 

“i’ll be on renjun’s team.”

“we always lose like this!”

“because you suck.”

“no, because you never let nana team up with me!”

 

jeno forgets he’s even there.

 

“you only bought two tickets?”

“oh, shit! i forgot because you kept nagging me to get you a closer seat to the screen.”

“excuses! you hurt nana’s feelings!”

 

jaemin grows used to it. they’re sitting on park benches and making fun of the people playing basketball on the court in front of them. jaemin extends his legs, like renjun does, because he has the bench to himself. jeno sits upright; he has to because renjun’s legs are perched on his lap. jaemin stares at them, being careful not to accidentally nudge jeno’s side with his shoes, and wonders what they’re talking about when they lower their voices.

 

they head back to jeno’s house, deciding to spend the night there since the clock read “midnight” when they’d finished gaming. jeno wins their game of ‘rock, paper, scissors’ again and heads into the shower first.

 

“hey, who are they?” renjun asks, pointing at the action figures on jeno’s nightstand. “the one with the hammer is thor and the one next to him is loki. they’re comic book people,” jaemin replies with a chuckle. he’d gifted them to jeno on his tenth birthday, 

 

renjun nears them and then picks thor up into his palm. “who’s who?”

 

“we fought over being thor,” jaemin replies, picking up loki into his own palm.

 

he’s not sure when or how it starts but they end up fighting each other with the action figures. jaemin doesn’t hate renjun. how can he?

 

“it’s your turn,” jeno announces for renjun, sending them a judgemental look when he enters the room again. “nerds.” 

 

almost simultaneously, jaemin and renjun stick their tongues out at him.

 

renjun disappears from the room with a dramatic bow to head into the shower, arms full of jeno’s clothes. jaemin smiles at that.

 

“hey, jaem?” jeno calls out for him a few seconds later. the nickname sends him back to eighth grade. they were coming up with senior names and jeno had, without his permission, logged onto his facebook and made his name ‘peanut butter and jaem’. 

 

“i had a nightmare yesterday. we had a track and field meet and you were late again,” jeno starts. jaemin nods, both encouraging jeno and acknowledging that he had a habit of being tardy. “you tried to run across the road to catch up with us and you,” jeno cuts himself off, clapping his hands together abruptly, which startles jaemin, “got hit by a car.”

 

jaemin’s never been good at comforting jeno. mostly because he’s scared about what to say and nervous, on top of that. “i’m still here, mate, don’t worry.”

 

“yeah, but it got me thinking,” jeno continues, moving his gaze from the window to meet jaemin’s. “if we ever… leave without one another, can we promise each other something? that we’ll remember each other?” 

 

jaemin feels the wind get knocked out of his lungs from the sincerity in jeno’s gaze.

 

“i’d never forget you.”

  
  


renjun reappears a few minutes after the heartfelt exchange and jaemin watches as renjun’s lithe arms encircle around jeno’s waist, face burying into his bestfriend’s chest.

 

“you don’t have to feel alone.”

 

jaemin can only hum in agreement, he’s as confused as jeno is.

  
  


“i’m going back to china in a week.”

 

they’re currently sprawled out around jeno’s living room, waiting for jeno’s mother to finish cooking lunch. after jaemin had finished showering last night, around 3am, they all decided to head downstairs to watch TV and passed out on the couch around dawn. having missed breakfast due to them being asleep, they were told to eat a big lunch from the cook, herself.

 

“you’re what?” jeno asks, taking the question right out of jaemin’s mouth.

 

“i kept forgetting to tell you guys, but i got accepted into the top academy for musicians in china,” renjun explains, both excitement and reluctance lighting up his ebony irises. “all thanks to you guys for forcing me to send my audition video in.”

 

renjun could sing. jaemin has heard him several times and is often lulled to sleep by the gentleness renjun’s voice carries. “i’m so happy for you. congratulations, injunnie!”

 

renjun thanks him with a loose hug and a bright smile.  “i was gonna go two weeks ago so that i could spend some time with my cousins, but i wanted to stay with you guys a while longer.” at the end of his statement, he glances at jeno. jeno remains silent.

 

“aren’t you happy for me, jeno?”

 

neither jaemin nor renjun expects what happens next.

 

jeno surges forwards, encasing renjun between his torso and jaemin’s side, one palm fitting over the curve of renjun’s cheek and the other curling around renjun’s hip. jaemin wants to look away as jeno compresses his dyads against renjun’s but his eyes remain glued to the scene and he can practically hear his heart shatter.

 

jeno’s mom calls them to the dining room a second after, saving jaemin from the nauseous feeling brewing within him. he can only follow the duo towards the food, staring at their intertwined fingers.

 

jeno sits on the right corner of the table, like always, and renjun takes the seat besides him, jaemin’s seat. jaemin silently sits on the other side of renjun and plays with his food.

 

“jeno, did you take your pills? you’ve didn’t take them the past two days.”

 

“yeah, mom!”

 

jaemin watches as renjun brings jeno’s hand up to his lips, pressing a kiss onto the back of jeno’s palm. jaemin wants to disappear.

  
  


jaemin heads home that evening, unable to watch jeno pamper renjun with adoration any longer.

 

even in the comfort of his own room, he feels unsafe. the moonlight illuminates his room as he sits, staring at the wall decorated with polaroids of him and jeno throughout the years.

 

“i hate you!”

 

renjun’s voice pierces through jaemin’s train of thought and he glances out the window to see jeno running around his backyard as renjun chases him. jaemin tears his gaze away when the two collapse onto the ground and kiss for the umpteenth time that day.

 

tilting his head up in an effort to hold back the tears threatening to spill from them, he stares at the stars littered across the night sky. a streak of light disappears behind the clouds.

 

the clock reads 8:22.

 

jaemin wishes jeno and renjun had never met.

  
  


jaemin flutters his eyes open, welcoming the morning, and is taken aback by the change in scenery.

 

“we should head home, your mom’s gonna kill us.”

 

when his eyes are finally able to focus, jaemin glances around in confusion and then begins to make sense of things when he espies the half ate subway sandwich in front of him. jeno eyes him strangely whilst wiping the edges of his mouth.

 

as if he were programmed to do such, jaemin finishes his meal and gets onto his feet, extending an arm as he’d done so the first time this had happened. “let’s go through the soccer field, it’s shorter.”

 

had he dreamt it all? was renjun a creation of his mind to prompt him to confess sooner?

 

“are you kidding? and get trampled on by the people playing there? no way.” 

 

jaemin sticks out his hand, fist already formed, “rock, paper, scissors?”

 

“you’re so on, na jaemin.”

  
  


“i can’t believe i lost,” jeno groans once again as they make their way towards the soccer field and jaemin snickers quietly. “i’m never using rocks again.”

 

when they manage to maneuver through the field, jeno punches jaemin’s shoulder lightly, as if to say ‘i hate you for making me go through that’ and jaemin only grins as they wait for the traffic light to change.

 

“hey, jeno?”

 

“what, dimwit?”

 

“go out with me.”

  
  


their new status doesn’t change how they behave with one another, as jaemin had always imagined. they still insult each other and engage in play fights. the only difference, really, is that jaemin can stare at jeno without a worry and doesn’t have to imagine what jeno’s lips would feel like against his own.

 

since he was excused from practice this week and jeno wasn’t, jaemin finds himself in subways, ordering them both a sandwich. he’d memorized jeno’s order since the ninth grade, when they first found the store during an expedition to familiarize themselves with the area nearby their highschool.

 

he’s about to order when another worker substitutes in.

 

“renjun?” 

 

the shorter male eyes him strangely, fixing his plastic gloves onto his hands. “do i know you?”

 

jaemin saves himself by stating that he had heard about renjun from a friend of his and renjun doesn’t think anything of it, only asking him for his order and preparing the sandwich. while waiting for the cheese to melt onto the bread in the oven, jaemin gets a phone call and picks it up without hesitance due to the ringtone.

 

“babe?” he answers, confused why jeno was calling him during practice when he was usually focused.

 

_ “hey, coach let me off the hook. where are you? i’ll come to get you.” _

 

jaemin’s about to give him an answer when he catches renjun’s gaze. “i’ll be there in ten minutes. you should sit down and relax.”

 

when he arrives at the track field again, handing jeno his subway sandwich, he purses his lips to the side in thought. “hey, we can’t go to the subways on 38th for a week or two.”

 

jeno, halting himself from taking a bite of his sandwich, threads his eyebrows together to convey his confusion. “why? we always go there. that’s our signature thing.”

 

“just trust me on this one.”

  
  


jaemin extends his legs, perching them onto jeno’s lap. jeno playfully pinches his calf in retaliation but leans over to press a kiss onto jaemin’s forehead when jaemin pouts.

 

jeno lowers his voice so that it’s barely above a whisper, cutting their discussion of how poorly one of the boys shoots in the basketball court in front of them. “don’t tell anyone, but i think you’re cute.” jaemin rolls his eyes, a smile appearing on his mien nonetheless. no wonder renjun was always smiling around jeno.

 

when they finally get tired of picking on the boy who’s too arrogant for someone with his skill level, jaemin gets up and jeno follows. “it’s been a while. let’s grab some subways for dinner?”

 

lacing his fingers with jeno’s, jaemin leads to the way to 38th street. the cars zoom past the road separating him and jeno from their favorite place. jaemin notices, despite having poor vision, a familiar patch of brown hair and identifies the worker loitering outside the store.

 

at first, he’s confused as to why renjun’s still here. 

 

_ ‘i was supposed to go two weeks ago.’ _

 

and then he remembers.

 

_ ‘all thanks to you guys for forcing me to send my audition video in.’ _

 

renjun hasn’t been accepted into the academy of his dreams because jaemin and jeno weren’t there to make him try.

 

“on second thought. let’s go get mcdonalds, jeno.”

  
  


jeno turns off the playstation after losing to jaemin for the fourth time in a row and jaemin victoriously bows to tease his boyfriend further. “whatever! i’m gonna shower!”

 

jaemin turns his attention to the action figures sitting on jeno’s desk after he hears the shower turn on, taking thor into his left palm and loki into his right. a vision of renjun flashes through his mind and he sets the loki action figure down, twirling thor around in his dominant palm. “jeno’s thor.”

 

jeno returns from his shower and eyes jaemin awkwardly when noticing the action figure in his hold. “you’re such a baby.”

 

jaemin simply dismisses the comment and begins to scavenge jeno’s drawers for clothes he can wear since it was his turn to shower. after selecting the clothes he was going to borrow, he bids jeno goodnight, seeing as the boy was already tucked into his bed with his eyes shut.

 

“wait, jaem.”

 

jaemin remembers this conversation, knows how it’s gonna go, but he still freezes. “what’s up?”

 

“i had a nightmare yesterday. we had a track and field meet and you were late again. you tried to run across the road to catch up with us and you,” jaemin’s prepared when jeno claps his hands together this time, “got hit by a car.”

 

“i’m still here, baby, don’t worry.”

 

“yeah, but it got me thinking,” jeno meets his gaze and jaemin feels the wind gets swept out of his lungs again, “if we ever… leave without one another, can we promise each other something? that we’ll remember each other?” 

 

“i’d never forget you.”

  
  


jaemin wakes up to the sounds of sirens. groggily, he rubs at the corners of his eyes and sits up. jeno’s bed is empty and jaemin figures he’d gone to find out what the ruckus was about. he always was a light sleeper.

 

fixing his shirt and combing his fingers through his hair, he reads the time on his phone. 2:00 PM.

 

“babe, why didn’t wake me up?” jaemin groans, making his way down the stairs and towards the TV playing family guy. arms encase around his waist and he gets pulled into someone’s chest. he doesn’t remember jeno being this tall.

 

a hand fits against the arch of his cranium and he remains smothered against the fabric of a dress shirt. “don’t look, son.”

 

jaemin realizes that he’s in the embrace of jeno’s father and he attempts to detach himself, confused on what was happening. jeno’s mother’s sob causes the arms to leave his sides, giving her the same treatment instead. jaemin turns his head and instantly falls to his knees.

 

the limp arm sticking out from the white sheet as people carry the stretcher out the door has jeno’s bracelet encircled around its wrist.

  
  


“i knew something was up when he wasn’t taking the pills, i knew,” jaemin hears jeno’s mother choke out in between sobs. he feels numb; he feels as pale as the walls of the hospital he’s waiting inside.

 

“we should’ve gotten him more help. we should’ve told people,” she continues and jaemin stares at her, the realization of what happened causing him to feel sick to his bones.

 

jeno’s father is staring at the ground. he’s still in his work clothes, tie loosely hanging from his neck. “he wouldn’t have wanted that. he said he didn’t want to be treated differently. it’s his life, we can’t control it.”

 

“he might not even have a life anymore because of that! he has depression, we can’t ignore that!”

 

as if on cue, a nurse steps in to intervene, scanning through the three of them and then smiling, albeit sadly, at jaemin. “are you na jaemin?”

 

jaemin nods once to respond, not trusting his voice, and she hands him a neatly folded piece of paper. he can tell from the tinted color of the paper that it’s from jeno and opens it without hesitation.

 

_ jaem,  _

 

_ i hope you can forgive me. i’ve hid this from you because i was sure you would worry, 24/7, if you knew. _

_ the pills i’ve been taking aren’t for the iron in my blood, but for depression. this is actually the first time i’m telling this to anyone besides my parents; of course it is. you’re my bestfriend. you always know everything first. _

_ i didn’t want to burden you, that’s why i didn’t tell you. _

_ i know, i know. you’re thinking that i could never be a burden, right? _

_ remember back in the 8th grade when i twisted my ankle and you carried me everywhere i went just because i struggled with using crutches? you never once complained and would always reassure me that i wasn’t burdening you. i know you meant it, but jaemin, you could’ve done so much more if you weren’t focused on taking care of me. _

_ you didn’t go to our senior trip because of that and you were looking forward to it for three years. _

_ remember on the fourth meeting of track, when coach almost cut me? you defended me, even if it meant you could be cut as well.  _

_ ‘but we didn’t.’ yeah, i know, silly. but we could’ve. the only reason we didn’t get cut is because jisung fainted and coach was focused on helping him and forgot all about it the next week. _

_ you always tell me not to dwell on the past, but i can’t help it. you know that. _

_ jaemin, i know i’m never alone because i have you. i know that. _

_ but this was a battle i needed to fight on my own.  _

_ having lost it, i realize how dependent i’ve become on you. _

_ i hope you’re able to accomplish so much more without me weighing down on your shoulders. i’ll always be looking over you, okay? _

_ i think i had already started losing my battle the day you confessed. but i tried for you because i didn’t want you to think you weren’t enough. _

_ i’m sorry, jaemin. _

_ i really tried. i tried so hard for you. _

_ the day before today, or yesterday since you’ll see this in the morning, i stopped taking my meds. _

_ i wanted to live my last few days ignoring what was inside me. _

_ i’m glad my last day was with you. _

 

_ jeno.  _

  
  


the doctor greets them, but jaemin doesn’t wait to hear the announcement after seeing the look on her face, knowing he won’t be able to take it. he heads down the hallway and enters the main lobby, walking right out the door.

 

his phone flashes 7:57 when he boards the bus.

 

jaemin fetches the letter out of his pocket again, not bothering to wipe the tears dotting at the edges of his eyes as he rereads it, like he’d done the past few hours he’d spent in the hospital. the signs were there, jaemin’s not sure how he missed them.

 

how could he have claimed to be jeno’s bestfriend if he didn’t know such a crucial detail of him? how could he have claimed to have been in love - how could he claim to still be in love - with jeno if he didn’t pick up on the things that mattered most?

 

time flies past jaemin as he rereads jeno’s letter, over and over again. when he gets of the stop, he stumbles for a second, unsure if his own legs can carry him home.

 

“the stars are so pretty tonight.”

 

jaemin glances up to see renjun standing in front of him, staring at the stars smiling down at them from the sky. before jaemin can reply, renjun steps into the bus and it drives away.

 

_ ‘you don’t have to feel alone.’ _

 

jaemin pulls out his phone; it’s 8:19.

 

without breaks to catch his breath, jaemin runs. he runs like his life depends on it because it does. when he reaches his house, his mother is already waiting with the door open. he doesn’t bother to say anything to her and is thankful she doesn’t pull him back, taking note of the odors of his favorite meals filling the house.

 

‘ _ i didn’t want you to think you weren’t enough.’ _

 

_ i’m not enough, jeno. i’m nowhere near enough. but i know who is. _

 

his shoes dirty the polished floors as he barges into his own room, heading straight for the window. the streak of light flashes by again.

 

“i wish jeno and renjun met before he died!”

  
  


“we should head home, your mom’s gonna kill us.”

 

jaemin cracks his eyes open. the brightness of his surroundings makes it hard for him to focus. when his vision clears up, however, he sees the familiar mess of silver strands of hair in front of him.

 

automatically, his hands reach down to grab the sandwich resting in its wrap, taking the last few bites of it. he stands up and eagerly helps jeno to his feet.

 

“let’s go through the soccer field, it’s shorter.”

 

jeno sends him the same look of disapproval as he’d done the past few times and jaemin smiles in content. “are you kidding? and get trampled on by the people playing there? no way.” 

 

it’s bittersweet.

 

happy endings don’t really exist in the real world.

 

jaemin extends his arm, fist at the end of it, “rock, paper, scissors?”

 

then again, jeno’s happy ending was jaemin’s happy ending.

 

“you’re so on, na jaemin.” jeno accepts, holding out his own fist.

 

on the third beat, jaemin throws down scissors.

**Author's Note:**

> OK IM SO SORRY SKDJFKSD THIS IDEA JUST CAME TO ME OUT OF NOWHERE AND I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO WRITE IT...
> 
> i have to update my renmin fic and write that chensung soulmates sequel i KNOW but this just... begged me to get written... ok...  
> also i'm adding a luwoo fic to my 'waiting to be done' list LKJFSLKD. 
> 
> i hope you guys enjoyed it! please leave comments... they make me happy and help me improve my writing!
> 
> IM SO SORRY THIS WAS ANGST BTW I USUALLY DONT DO ANGST BUT I DISCUSSED IT WITH A FRIEND AND THEY SAID MAKE IT ANGSTY SO I WAS LIKE QAQ OK
> 
> and as always... this is not proof read so please excuse my typos!


End file.
